Endings

Monday, 2 December 2002

it seems that i have been talk­ing about end­ings lately. get­ting things done, last chances, last ex­pe­ri­ences. i must be weary. i’m not fo­cus­ing on the be­gin­nings to come. i don’t re­ally un­der­stand why i must be goal-ori­ented at all times and why i al­ways worry about what i am at­tempt­ing to ac­com­plish. what i need is to take time to do noth­ing. NO, that is wrong. i don’t need to take time to do noth­ing. that just means i am sched­ul­ing ab­sence into my lin­ear goal-ori­ented rou­tine. i need to do noth­ing. just ab­sorb, pon­der, ac­cept, phi­los­o­phize. re­gain a per­spec­tive on ex­is­tence. i’ve been con­cen­trat­ing on find­ing the cheese for so long, i’ve for­got­ten how to run the maze. once i re­mem­ber how to do that i can take yet an­other step back­ward and for­get to be the rat. even­tu­ally ac­com­plish­ment ver­sus per­spec­tive re­veals it­self to be noth­ing more than a choice of levers: one gives crack and the eu­phoric sense of win­ning, the other gives food and means sur­vival.