it seems that i have been talking about endings lately. getting things done, last chances, last experiences. i must be weary. i’m not focusing on the beginnings to come. i don’t really understand why i must be goal-oriented at all times and why i always worry about what i am attempting to accomplish. what i need is to take time to do nothing. NO, that is wrong. i don’t need to take time to do nothing. that just means i am scheduling absence into my linear goal-oriented routine. i need to do nothing. just absorb, ponder, accept, philosophize. regain a perspective on existence. i’ve been concentrating on finding the cheese for so long, i’ve forgotten how to run the maze. once i remember how to do that i can take yet another step backward and forget to be the rat. eventually accomplishment versus perspective reveals itself to be nothing more than a choice of levers: one gives crack and the euphoric sense of winning, the other gives food and means survival.