Lonely Guy

Sunday, 29 September 2002

i’m a lonely guy, no doubt about it. it is my choice and my consequence. but whenever i decide to try and do something about it, the stupid mating game that must be played makes me saturnine. i am a man who does not like to bandy about emotions and i am not a man who is willing to indulge in careless trysts to satisfy his lusts. i am also not a man who will always be happy in tandem with his woman, euphoria is ethereal and substance consists of mixing water with dirt and making mud. i’m a cynical guy, no doubt about it. it is my choice and my consequence. it is the product of endless bouts of beating my head against the wall being the uncoordinated kid no one wants on their team trying to understand the rules of the game while not even interested in playing the stupid thing. if there are any women out there who feel the same way, ’tis unfortunate because the state of abjection created by our exclusion prevents consolidation and dialogue by our very status as Other. archived

i’m as fine as anyone can be about being alone. it is very low maintenance and allows me to improve myself and focus on what is important for me. the problem with being alone is that you become too self-​centered and self-​absorbed and can forget…um, stuff. it is, however, refreshing to be not concern yourself with hooking up and seeking a mentally overconstructed love affair, even though i still tend to concern myself with both. i never said i could practice my preachyness. its much easier to handle relationships with women when I have nothing more in mind than simple friendship.

i’ve come to a conclusion. i want to have my cake and eat it too. i need the feeling of a healthy loving relationship right now. however, i don’t want anything to do in that capacity with any girl around here. so in compromise i want a hook-​up.

End of the Day

Saturday, 20 July 2002

i like being the last person in a building at the end of the day. i get a feeling of mysterious importance, as if i were responsible for maintaining and controlling some sort of secret powerful project. or, as my feet echo through the hallways, i become an interloper, discovering and wondering at the stories held within and expressed by the worn and nicked presence of the building itself. all is quiet and onl my presence gives life and meaning to this place. although i am alone, i am at the same time comforted by the knowledge that we have been before, in this space, and my presence makes those memories continue. everything in this place belongs to me by default as a representative of Those Who Came Before.

this does not follow me outside.

even alone in the night, i am surrounded by the existence of all and my diminution in the face of the universe is comforting rather than alienating. i am of its substance and therefore a part of it, something which can never be taken from me. for even when i cease, i will still be part of It. it reminds me of two distinct things. 1) the Total Perspective Drive from Douglas Adams’ Hitchiker series, in which the person subjected to it is shown their importance compared to that of the rest of the universe. It is meant to destroy that person’s self esteem when they see that they are nothing but a tiny dot among infinity. 2) the Bhagavad-​Gita and Krishna’s discussion with Arjuna about how all is contained within Brahma. So if i’m that small compared to everything else, but still Am, then that makes me feel warm and fuzzy because i’m important enough to exists among all that is out there.

for some reason this reminds me, NeaL, i believe you still have some books of mine…if you don’t return them you will “never leave these woods…alive…”

latest search string: ‘condom filled with water ass’

two the two random folks who said howdy over IM last night, i return the salutations. but why, perchance, did you not leave comment? 🙂