Lonely Guy

i’m a lone­ly guy, no doubt about it. it is my choice and my con­se­quence. but when­ev­er i decide to try and do some­thing about it, the stu­pid mat­ing game that must be played makes me sat­ur­nine. i am a man who does not like to bandy about emo­tions and i am not a man who is will­ing to indulge in care­less trysts to sat­is­fy his lusts. i am also not a man who will always be hap­py in tan­dem with his woman, eupho­ria is ethe­re­al and sub­stance con­sists of mix­ing water with dirt and mak­ing mud. i’m a cyn­i­cal guy, no doubt about it. it is my choice and my con­se­quence. it is the prod­uct of end­less bouts of beat­ing my head against the wall being the unco­or­di­nat­ed kid no one wants on their team try­ing to under­stand the rules of the game while not even inter­est­ed in play­ing the stu­pid thing. if there are any women out there who feel the same way, ’tis unfor­tu­nate because the state of abjec­tion cre­at­ed by our exclu­sion pre­vents con­sol­i­da­tion and dia­logue by our very sta­tus as Oth­er. archived

i’m as fine as any­one can be about being alone. it is very low main­te­nance and allows me to improve myself and focus on what is impor­tant for me. the prob­lem with being alone is that you become too self-cen­tered and self-absorbed and can forget…um, stuff. it is, how­ev­er, refresh­ing to be not con­cern your­self with hook­ing up and seek­ing a men­tal­ly over­con­struct­ed love affair, even though i still tend to con­cern myself with both. i nev­er said i could prac­tice my preachy­ness. its much eas­i­er to han­dle rela­tion­ships with women when I have noth­ing more in mind than sim­ple friend­ship.

i’ve come to a con­clu­sion. i want to have my cake and eat it too. i need the feel­ing of a healthy lov­ing rela­tion­ship right now. how­ev­er, i don’t want any­thing to do in that capac­i­ty with any girl around here. so in com­pro­mise i want a hook-up.

End of the Day

i like being the last per­son in a build­ing at the end of the day. i get a feel­ing of mys­te­ri­ous impor­tance, as if i were respon­si­ble for main­tain­ing and con­trol­ling some sort of secret pow­er­ful project. or, as my feet echo through the hall­ways, i become an inter­lop­er, dis­cov­er­ing and won­der­ing at the sto­ries held with­in and expressed by the worn and nicked pres­ence of the build­ing itself. all is qui­et and onl my pres­ence gives life and mean­ing to this place. although i am alone, i am at the same time com­fort­ed by the knowl­edge that we have been before, in this space, and my pres­ence makes those mem­o­ries con­tin­ue. every­thing in this place belongs to me by default as a rep­re­sen­ta­tive of Those Who Came Before.

this does not fol­low me out­side.

even alone in the night, i am sur­round­ed by the exis­tence of all and my diminu­tion in the face of the uni­verse is com­fort­ing rather than alien­at­ing. i am of its sub­stance and there­fore a part of it, some­thing which can nev­er be tak­en from me. for even when i cease, i will still be part of It. it reminds me of two dis­tinct things. 1) the Total Per­spec­tive Dri­ve from Dou­glas Adams’ Hitchik­er series, in which the per­son sub­ject­ed to it is shown their impor­tance com­pared to that of the rest of the uni­verse. It is meant to destroy that person’s self esteem when they see that they are noth­ing but a tiny dot among infin­i­ty. 2) the Bha­gavad-Gita and Krishna’s dis­cus­sion with Arju­na about how all is con­tained with­in Brah­ma. So if i’m that small com­pared to every­thing else, but still Am, then that makes me feel warm and fuzzy because i’m impor­tant enough to exists among all that is out there.

for some rea­son this reminds me, NeaL, i believe you still have some books of mine…if you don’t return them you will “nev­er leave these woods…alive…”

lat­est search string: ‘con­dom filled with water ass’

two the two ran­dom folks who said howdy over IM last night, i return the salu­ta­tions. but why, per­chance, did you not leave com­ment? 🙂