Wednesday, 11 September 2002

I found out yesterday that the University switched to using Olestra during the summer. This explains why I haven’t had a nice healthy dump since I’ve been here. I suppose you don’t care to know this, but I don’t care. As you may or may not know one of the side effects of Olestra is to give folks the hershey squirts. Personally, I’d rather have the extra saturated fat and turds that hold themselves together than no fat and rancid smelling little shitlets filling the bowl. In the Road to Wellville Dr. Kellogg says:

Your stool, Mr. Lightbody, quite frankly, is pathetic. Formless, mushy, and foul smelling. Take it away nurse.”

Will Lightbody: “How should they be?”

Dr. John H. Kellogg: “My own stools, sir, are perfect – they are gigantic! And, have no more odor than a hot biscuit.”

i used to be Dr Kellogg but now with the advent of Olestra at ND I am now Will Lightbody. there is something about the ability to take a large and perfect crap that is macho, but Olestra emasculates us all.