what is the difference between innocence and confidence, pleasure and happiness? what ambitions derive their source in our darker selves and what does the light side contain of power? why do inanities distract us from meaning and structured understanding of motivation, desire, and actualization? why do we live out our time in rote mechanisms that turn life into an ‘insert slot-A into connecting tab-B’ in order to get the capitalist bourgeois lifestyle that offers no true chance at meaningful examination of life? why do i struggle against this while at the same time desiring the simplicity of a herd mentality life?
my life is an exercise in futility. even when i do nothing wrong, i still fail. my bad karma must have no end. even when things are not my fault, i still hurt. i must be too sensitive. we knew this was going to happen, i guess it was worth it, but for some reason it seems like what we had is made less by this certainty. i am meant to be alone. i am meant to be embittered and cynical. who needs laughter anyway. i look at my last post and try to remember what it was like. i am not a depressed maniac or a manic depressive i am an incompetent masochist, i set myself up for great falls. my feelings are not wrong, they are appropriate, they are separate from their source. this probably makes no sense to many of you but i don’t give a flying rats ass if it does. this is my damn diary and i’ll write whatever i please. just be glad i let y’all take a look at it.
my focus determines my reality. only i can change my karma. i dictate my own terms. my life is totally mine. no more self-deception. it is time to return to existentialist mode, at least for a brief period.
today was a little better. i only saw the little fucking bonobo twice. unfortunately both times he made some sort of greeting directed at me. also unfortunate, he was with his redheaded cockwarmer one of those times. The Vagina Monologues were awesome though. Women like that are cool. all of the people bitching about it are fools. my boys are coming up to visit me over break. its gonna be good times.
i just want to be happy again.
Well I have my camera…getting it to work is the hard part. Slow and steady wins the race except I have alot of work to do. I am almost ready to burn my old sketchbook journal. Parting with it will not be bittersweet. I’ll be glad to see it go. Besides, I’m saving the good stuff.
Valentine’s Day my ass. At least my mother loves me. This is the story of my life. I ordered a webcam yesterday and hopefully I’ll get it hooked up and functioning as a part of my website once it arrives. I figured out what I want my domain name to be when I get a website. organicmechanic.org. It has a nice ring to it I think, and it is a paradox. I am an organic being that behaves in a mechanism (society) that is at the same time an organic system with people as the mechanism. Oh yeah. Unfortunately, the way the world works, I have to purchase the name from someone, even though it does not belong to anyone. Supposedly that is why people can sell it. Fuckin’ capitalists.
creative writing is synthesis, not analysis. when i write things i tend to deconstruct as i have been taught. i must learn to combine in order to give things meaning apart from what they already have. i hope that my experiences here have not permanently made me into the bitter man i am becoming. life after college must be an improvement. works never ends. people are capable of unspeakable acts of beauty and horror. all generalizations are bad, including this one. check it. peace.