What is the Difference?

Thursday, 26 September 2002

what is the dif­fer­ence be­tween in­no­cence and con­fi­dence, plea­sure and hap­pi­ness? what am­bi­tions de­rive their source in our dark­er selves and what does the light side con­tain of pow­er? why do inani­ties dis­tract us from mean­ing and struc­tured un­der­stand­ing of mo­ti­va­tion, de­sire, and ac­tu­al­iza­tion? why do we live out our time in rote mech­a­nisms that turn life in­to an ‘in­sert slot-A in­to con­nect­ing tab-B’ in or­der to get the cap­i­tal­ist bour­geois lifestyle that of­fers no true chance at mean­ing­ful ex­am­i­na­tion of life? why do i strug­gle again­st this while at the same time de­sir­ing the sim­plic­i­ty of a herd men­tal­i­ty life?

Exercise in Futility

Saturday, 13 April 2002

my life is an ex­er­cise in fu­til­i­ty. even when i do noth­ing wrong, i still fail. my bad kar­ma must have no end. even when things are not my fault, i still hurt. i must be too sen­si­tive. we knew this was go­ing to hap­pen, i guess it was worth it, but for some rea­son it seems like what we had is made less by this cer­tain­ty. i am meant to be alone. i am meant to be em­bit­tered and cyn­i­cal. who needs laugh­ter any­way. i look at my last post and try to re­mem­ber what it was like. i am not a de­pressed ma­ni­ac or a man­ic de­pres­sive i am an in­com­pe­tent masochist, i set my­self up for great falls. my feel­ings are not wrong, they are ap­pro­pri­ate, they are sep­a­rate from their source. this prob­a­bly makes no sense to many of you but i don’t give a fly­ing rats ass if it does. this is my damn di­ary and i’ll write what­ev­er i please. just be glad i let y’all take a look at it.

my fo­cus de­ter­mi­nes my re­al­i­ty. on­ly i can change my kar­ma. i dic­tate my own terms. my life is to­tal­ly mine. no more self-de­cep­tion. it is time to re­turn to ex­is­ten­tial­ist mode, at least for a brief pe­ri­od.

Bonobo

Tuesday, 26 February 2002

to­day was a lit­tle bet­ter. i on­ly saw the lit­tle fuck­ing bonobo twice. un­for­tu­nate­ly both times he made some sort of greet­ing di­rect­ed at me. al­so un­for­tu­nate, he was with his red­head­ed cock­warmer one of those times. The Vagina Monologues were awe­some though. Women like that are cool. all of the peo­ple bitch­ing about it are fools. my boys are com­ing up to vis­it me over break. its gonna be good times.

2.24.02

Sunday, 24 February 2002

i just want to be hap­py again.

2.19.02

Tuesday, 19 February 2002

Well I have my camera…getting it to work is the hard part. Slow and steady wins the race ex­cept I have alot of work to do. I am al­most ready to burn my old sketch­book jour­nal. Parting with it will not be bit­ter­sweet. I’ll be glad to see it go. Besides, I’m sav­ing the good stuff.

Thursday, 14 February 2002

Valentine’s Day my ass. At least my moth­er loves me. This is the sto­ry of my life. I or­dered a we­b­cam yes­ter­day and hope­ful­ly I’ll get it hooked up and func­tion­ing as a part of my web­site on­ce it ar­rives. I fig­ured out what I want my do­main name to be when I get a web­site. or​gan​icme​chan​ic​.org. It has a nice ring to it I think, and it is a para­dox. I am an or­gan­ic be­ing that be­haves in a mech­a­nism (so­ci­ety) that is at the same time an or­gan­ic sys­tem with peo­ple as the mech­a­nism. Oh yeah. Unfortunately, the way the world works, I have to pur­chase the name from some­one, even though it does not be­long to any­one. Supposedly that is why peo­ple can sell it. Fuckin’ cap­i­tal­ists.

All Generalizations

Monday, 11 February 2002

cre­ative writ­ing is syn­the­sis, not analy­sis. when i write things i tend to de­con­struct as i have been taught. i must learn to com­bine in or­der to give things mean­ing apart from what they al­ready have. i hope that my ex­pe­ri­ences here have not per­ma­nent­ly made me in­to the bit­ter man i am be­com­ing. life af­ter col­lege must be an im­prove­ment. works nev­er ends. peo­ple are ca­pa­ble of un­speak­able acts of beau­ty and hor­ror. all gen­er­al­iza­tions are bad, in­clud­ing this one. check it. peace.