What is the Difference?

what is the dif­fer­ence between inno­cence and con­fi­dence, plea­sure and hap­pi­ness? what ambi­tions derive their source in our dark­er selves and what does the light side con­tain of pow­er? why do inani­ties dis­tract us from mean­ing and struc­tured under­stand­ing of moti­va­tion, desire, and actu­al­iza­tion? why do we live out our time in rote mech­a­nisms that turn life into an ‘insert slot-A into con­nect­ing tab-B’ in order to get the cap­i­tal­ist bour­geois lifestyle that offers no true chance at mean­ing­ful exam­i­na­tion of life? why do i strug­gle against this while at the same time desir­ing the sim­plic­i­ty of a herd men­tal­i­ty life?

Exercise in Futility

my life is an exer­cise in futil­i­ty. even when i do noth­ing wrong, i still fail. my bad kar­ma must have no end. even when things are not my fault, i still hurt. i must be too sen­si­tive. we knew this was going to hap­pen, i guess it was worth it, but for some rea­son it seems like what we had is made less by this cer­tain­ty. i am meant to be alone. i am meant to be embit­tered and cyn­i­cal. who needs laugh­ter any­way. i look at my last post and try to remem­ber what it was like. i am not a depressed mani­ac or a man­ic depres­sive i am an incom­pe­tent masochist, i set myself up for great falls. my feel­ings are not wrong, they are appro­pri­ate, they are sep­a­rate from their source. this prob­a­bly makes no sense to many of you but i don’t give a fly­ing rats ass if it does. this is my damn diary and i’ll write what­ev­er i please. just be glad i let y’all take a look at it.

my focus deter­mines my real­i­ty. only i can change my kar­ma. i dic­tate my own terms. my life is total­ly mine. no more self-decep­tion. it is time to return to exis­ten­tial­ist mode, at least for a brief peri­od.

Bonobo

today was a lit­tle bet­ter. i only saw the lit­tle fuck­ing bonobo twice. unfor­tu­nate­ly both times he made some sort of greet­ing direct­ed at me. also unfor­tu­nate, he was with his red­head­ed cock­warmer one of those times. The Vagi­na Mono­logues were awe­some though. Women like that are cool. all of the peo­ple bitch­ing about it are fools. my boys are com­ing up to vis­it me over break. its gonna be good times.

2.19.02

Well I have my camera…getting it to work is the hard part. Slow and steady wins the race except I have alot of work to do. I am almost ready to burn my old sketch­book jour­nal. Part­ing with it will not be bit­ter­sweet. I’ll be glad to see it go. Besides, I’m sav­ing the good stuff.

Valentine’s Day my ass

Valentine’s Day my ass. At least my moth­er loves me. This is the sto­ry of my life. I ordered a web­cam yes­ter­day and hope­ful­ly I’ll get it hooked up and func­tion­ing as a part of my web­site once it arrives. I fig­ured out what I want my domain name to be when I get a web­site. organicmechanic.org. It has a nice ring to it I think, and it is a para­dox. I am an organ­ic being that behaves in a mech­a­nism (soci­ety) that is at the same time an organ­ic sys­tem with peo­ple as the mech­a­nism. Oh yeah. Unfor­tu­nate­ly, the way the world works, I have to pur­chase the name from some­one, even though it does not belong to any­one. Sup­pos­ed­ly that is why peo­ple can sell it. Fuckin’ cap­i­tal­ists.

All Generalizations

cre­ative writ­ing is syn­the­sis, not analy­sis. when i write things i tend to decon­struct as i have been taught. i must learn to com­bine in order to give things mean­ing apart from what they already have. i hope that my expe­ri­ences here have not per­ma­nent­ly made me into the bit­ter man i am becom­ing. life after col­lege must be an improve­ment. works nev­er ends. peo­ple are capa­ble of unspeak­able acts of beau­ty and hor­ror. all gen­er­al­iza­tions are bad, includ­ing this one. check it. peace.