Monday, 21 July 2003

Monday, 16 June 2003

Candy War

Atomic Fireballs at ground Zero Bar
Three Musketeers from their Pay Day –
Pynchon’s liquorice bazooka.

The wind Krackels and Blow
Pops a Starburst, Skittles away.
Mars sits in the Milky Way and Snickers.

[keep it goin’ folks]

Tuesday, 15 April 2003

Shrug

My life’s been generally boring recently. More or less nothing noteworthy going on worth mentioning, but pfft. I don’t care. Whatever. I’ve basically been doing nothing worth mentioning, but it’s not important.

Current Mood: jejune

entry generated by the Apathetic Online Journal Entry Generator.

Wednesday, 26 March 2003

6 Ways to Skin a Cat

The Direct Approach

  1. Kill Cat.
  2. Make incision from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.

Corollary: That shirt looks very becoming on you, and if I were on you I’d be coming too.*

The Indirect Approach

  1. Obtain kitten.
  2. Raise kitten into cat.
  3. Provide food, toys, veterinary assistance, attention, love.
  4. Wait until cat dies.
  5. Make incision from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.

Corollary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*

The Athletic Approach

  1. Kill cat with golf club.
  2. Make incision from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.
  4. Gut cat.
  5. Take catgut and make tennis racket.
  6. Remove head of cat.
  7. Use as tennis ball.

Corollary: (flexing) Have you seen the weightroom? Nevermind, I’ll find it.*

The Gourmet Approach

  1. Purchase healthy purebred Persian.
  2. Smother with 10M (molar) Trichloromethane (chloroform).
  3. Boil 10 gallons water.
  4. Boil Persian in water for 8 hours.
  5. Make incision from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.
  7. Have skin made into table runner/trivet.
  8. Boil cat into stew with lentils and long-grain rice.
  9. Serve with butter-glazed sweetrolls on table trimmed with cat skin.

An optional New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.

Corollary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is nothing compared to the gift that is you. I would gladly sacrifice my goals, aspirations and soul just to get into your pants… shit!*

The Humane Approach

  1. Find feral cat with feline HIV or feline leukemia.
  2. Have cat put down.
  3. Send cat to taxidermist.
  4. Taxidermist will make incision from throat to rump.
  5. Peel.

Corollary: Set promiscuous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*

The Anarchist Approach

  1. Bury cat up to neck in backyard.
  2. Fire up riding lawnmower.
  3. Mow backyard.
  4. Get posthole digger.
  5. Remove cat.
  6. Make incision from throat to rump.
  7. Gut cat.
  8. Fill cavity with black powder.
  9. Light cat’s tail.
  10. Throw at nearest governmental building.

Corollary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair into your apartment/cave.*

*does not work well.

Tuesday, 17 December 2002

Some Things

Some Things:

  1. i’ve been wearing the same pair of pants for a week now.
  2. i’m tired of being forced to prioritize.
  3. in the last 24 hours i’ve folded 1,000 communiqu s.
  4. drudgery sucks.
  5. love is suicide.
  6. spicy sea nuggets = death.

Monday, 9 December 2002

Jack the Giant-Killer

tell me the punchline. apathy reeks of unwashed socks. i complete my day by proxy whilst my thought go wassailing into calico dreams of hot chocolate campfires and blanketed readings of childhood classics. i wish i were Jack the Giant-Killer. Then I would have an invisible cloak, shoes of speed, an enchanted sword and the hand of the fairest maiden in the realm. plus i would kill giants. and ogres. stuff like that. i think i’ll go to practice now…