Attack of The Stupid™

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

The only down­side to hav­ing a sec­ond gen­er­a­tion iPod Shuffle is that the damn thing is so tiny you can lose it fairly eas­ily. I can’t find mine. I re­mem­ber get­ting into my car last night and tak­ing it out of the ash­tray, but I don’t re­mem­ber where I put it. I searched for awhile but no dice thus­far. The Stupid™ at­tacked when, for a brief mo­ment, I thought about ask­ing Google “Where is my iPod?”

I’ve of­fi­cially been on­line too long.

Found! Apparently I stored the iPod in what was ob­vi­ously the most ap­pro­pri­ate place at the time, the toe of my left run­ning shoe. Thanks Google!

Candy War

Monday, 16 June 2003

Atomic Fireballs at ground Zero Bar
Three Musketeers from their Pay Day -
Pynchon’s liquorice bazooka.

The wind Krackels and Blow
Pops a Starburst, Skittles away.
Mars sits in the Milky Way and Snickers.

[keep it goin’ folks]


Tuesday, 15 April 2003

My life’s been gen­er­ally bor­ing re­cently. More or less noth­ing note­wor­thy go­ing on worth men­tion­ing, but pfft. I don’t care. Whatever. I’ve ba­si­cally been do­ing noth­ing worth men­tion­ing, but it’s not im­por­tant.

Current Mood: je­june

en­try gen­er­ated by the Apathetic Online Journal Entry Generator.

6 Ways to Skin a Cat

Wednesday, 26 March 2003

The Direct Approach

  1. Kill Cat.
  2. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.

Corollary: That shirt looks very be­com­ing on you, and if I were on you I’d be com­ing too.*

The Indirect Approach

  1. Obtain kit­ten.
  2. Raise kit­ten into cat.
  3. Provide food, toys, vet­eri­nary as­sis­tance, at­ten­tion, love.
  4. Wait un­til cat dies.
  5. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.

Corollary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*

The Athletic Approach

  1. Kill cat with golf club.
  2. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.
  4. Gut cat.
  5. Take catgut and make ten­nis racket.
  6. Remove head of cat.
  7. Use as ten­nis ball.

Corollary: (flex­ing) Have you seen the weight­room? Nevermind, I’ll find it.*

The Gourmet Approach

  1. Purchase healthy pure­bred Persian.
  2. Smother with 10M (mo­lar) Trichloromethane (chlo­ro­form).
  3. Boil 10 gal­lons wa­ter.
  4. Boil Persian in wa­ter for 8 hours.
  5. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.
  7. Have skin made into ta­ble runner/​trivet.
  8. Boil cat into stew with lentils and long-grain rice.
  9. Serve with but­ter-glazed sweet­rolls on ta­ble trimmed with cat skin.

An op­tional New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.

Corollary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is noth­ing com­pared to the gift that is you. I would gladly sac­ri­fice my goals, as­pi­ra­tions and soul just to get into your pants… shit!*

The Humane Approach

  1. Find feral cat with fe­line HIV or fe­line leukemia.
  2. Have cat put down.
  3. Send cat to taxi­der­mist.
  4. Taxidermist will make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  5. Peel.

Corollary: Set promis­cu­ous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*

The Anarchist Approach

  1. Bury cat up to neck in back­yard.
  2. Fire up rid­ing lawn­mower.
  3. Mow back­yard.
  4. Get post­hole dig­ger.
  5. Remove cat.
  6. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  7. Gut cat.
  8. Fill cav­ity with black pow­der.
  9. Light cat’s tail.
  10. Throw at near­est gov­ern­men­tal build­ing.

Corollary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair into your apartment/​cave.*

*does not work well.

Some Things

Tuesday, 17 December 2002

Some Things:

  1. i’ve been wear­ing the same pair of pants for a week now.
  2. i’m tired of be­ing forced to pri­or­i­tize.
  3. in the last 24 hours i’ve folded 1,000 com­mu­niqu s.
  4. drudgery sucks.
  5. love is sui­cide.
  6. spicy sea nuggets = death.

Jack the Giant-Killer

Monday, 9 December 2002

tell me the punch­line. ap­a­thy reeks of un­washed socks. i com­plete my day by proxy whilst my thought go was­sail­ing into cal­ico dreams of hot choco­late camp­fires and blan­keted read­ings of child­hood clas­sics. i wish i were Jack the Giant-Killer. Then I would have an in­vis­i­ble cloak, shoes of speed, an en­chanted sword and the hand of the fairest maiden in the realm. plus i would kill gi­ants. and ogres. stuff like that. i think i’ll go to prac­tice now…