Olestra

Wednesday, 11 September 2002

I found out yes­ter­day that the University switched to us­ing Olestra dur­ing the sum­mer. This ex­plains why I haven’t had a nice healthy dump since I’ve been here. I sup­pose you don’t care to know this, but I don’t care. As you may or may not know one of the side ef­fects of Olestra is to give folks the her­shey squirts. Personally, I’d rather have the ex­tra sat­u­rated fat and turds that hold them­selves to­gether than no fat and ran­cid smelling lit­tle shitlets fill­ing the bowl. In the Road to Wellville Dr. Kellogg says:

“Your stool, Mr. Lightbody, quite frankly, is pa­thetic. Formless, mushy, and foul smelling. Take it away nurse.”

Will Lightbody: “How should they be?”

Dr. John H. Kellogg: “My own stools, sir, are per­fect – they are gi­gan­tic! And, have no more odor than a hot bis­cuit.”

i used to be Dr Kellogg but now with the ad­vent of Olestra at ND I am now Will Lightbody. there is some­thing about the abil­ity to take a large and per­fect crap that is ma­cho, but Olestra emas­cu­lates us all.