Null Set

Thursday, 19 June 2003

i’ve done my part, but noth­ing has come of it. i have re­ceived no sign from her that she might be in­ter­ested in what i have to of­fer. i was a good friend, i helped her move out, i wrote to her in Spain, i wrote her a poem, i vis­ited her when she was sick, i lis­tened to her frus­tra­tions, i sent her flow­ers, i tried to woo.

i didn’t get much feed­back. we just talked. she never got close, never flirted back. i don’t see how she could not re­al­ize that i liked her. per­haps that was still the case, per­haps she did re­al­ize but was un­in­ter­ested and de­cided that pre­tend­ing to be ig­no­rant of my at­ten­tions was a good way to avoid it, per­haps she does re­al­ize, re­turns the feel­ing, but is scared like i was, per­haps she is not yet re­cov­ered from her last boyfriend. none of that mat­ters. i’ve been told to just tell these girls how i feel, but that is ter­ri­ble ad­vice. its creepy to hear that, it scares girls off. i know.

i’ve made my ef­fort, and have not even re­ceived a neg­a­tive re­sponse, no re­sponse def­i­nitely hurts less, but is even less con­struc­tive.

so i’m done. i wash my hands of the pur­suit of her. it hurts a bit be­cause she is quite at­trac­tive in so many ways, but with­out even the slight­est rec­i­p­ro­ca­tion on her part, i have no im­pe­tus to con­tinue.

no last­ing re­la­tion­ship is a one way street. how long any­thing lasts with her, is now up to her. i’ve done more than my share.

I’ve faced the fath­oms in your deep
with­stood the suit­ors quiet siege
pulled down the heav­ens just to please you
ap­pease you
the wind blows and I know

I can’t go on, dig­ging roses from you grave
to linger on, be­yond the be­yond
where the wil­lows weep
and whirlpools sleep, you’ll find me
the coarse tide re­flects sky

The Smashing Pumpkins, Behold! The Night Mare