Terrorist Attack Trading Cards

Saturday, 19 June 2004

I was at Jamie’s Flea Market Saturday and I found something that hit the market when I was 6 years old. Something that shows me what 17 years of bickering, global reorganization and bloodshed has changed in the zeitgeist of America. Yeah, basically nothing.



Though these cards claim to be educational, it is well to bear in mind that any words of educational value contained on the backs are refracted through a lens of aggressive and rhetorical American nationalism. While terrorism is, indeed, a terrible thing, the type of education that these collectible items provide is antagonistic and ignorant of its own effects. Moreover, they are both hilarious and sobering [a sort of shake-​your head and laugh] to any person who has a decent ability to separate thoughts into subjective and objective frames. So. You just need common sense.

Benito Mussolini Terrorist Attack Trading Card

Mussolini was a terrorist? and a facist? If I had a face like Mussolini I definitely wouldn’t want to form a political party about it. The fact that he was captured by the partisans he oppressed is not ironic, it is closer to poetic justice. It would be ironic if he was executed by his own party for oppressing the partisans.


First off: “Bombs create the spectacular and safe types of destruction that terrorists are known for.” WHAT?!? To conclude, ending a sentence in a preposition ain’t good English. Thirdly, someone obviously busted out the thesaurus for ‘perfidious.’

Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day

Beware of guys hiding behind trash cans and attempting to hide behind buildings but not doing a very good job of it because their rifles stick way out. They blow up things. AMERICA SANCTIONED!


Of course they were going to blow up the SoL. Drug-​running is an impossible possibility. Our nation humiliates itself just fine, thanks.


This guy looks like me when I had my beard. That creeps me out.


I can’t really be funny about any of these because they are so ridiculous they speak for themselves. Note the subtle juxtaposition of the last two sentences.


The Ayatullah looks like he is speaking to masses of people burning in eternal damnation. He might be useful as a means to undermine the Soviets. This card also invokes Godwin’s Law.


Thanks for playing! I wonder if Tom Clancy got his idea for The Sum of All Fears from this card. Goodbye!