Month: March 2003

The Direct Approach

  1. Kill Cat.
  2. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.

Corol­lary: That shirt looks very becom­ing on you, and if I were on you I’d be com­ing too.*

The Indirect Approach

  1. Obtain kit­ten.
  2. Raise kit­ten into cat.
  3. Pro­vide food, toys, vet­eri­nary assis­tance, atten­tion, love.
  4. Wait until cat dies.
  5. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.

Corol­lary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*

The Athletic Approach

  1. Kill cat with golf club.
  2. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.
  4. Gut cat.
  5. Take catgut and make ten­nis rack­et.
  6. Remove head of cat.
  7. Use as ten­nis ball.

Corol­lary: (flex­ing) Have you seen the weight­room? Nev­er­mind, I’ll find it.*

The Gourmet Approach

  1. Pur­chase healthy pure­bred Per­sian.
  2. Smoth­er with 10M (molar) Trichloromethane (chlo­ro­form).
  3. Boil 10 gal­lons water.
  4. Boil Per­sian in water for 8 hours.
  5. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.
  7. Have skin made into table runner/trivet.
  8. Boil cat into stew with lentils and long-grain rice.
  9. Serve with but­ter-glazed sweet­rolls on table trimmed with cat skin.

An option­al New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.

Corol­lary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is noth­ing com­pared to the gift that is you. I would glad­ly sac­ri­fice my goals, aspi­ra­tions and soul just to get into your pants… shit!*

The Humane Approach

  1. Find fer­al cat with feline HIV or feline leukemia.
  2. Have cat put down.
  3. Send cat to taxi­der­mist.
  4. Taxi­der­mist will make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  5. Peel.

Corol­lary: Set promis­cu­ous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*

The Anarchist Approach

  1. Bury cat up to neck in back­yard.
  2. Fire up rid­ing lawn­mow­er.
  3. Mow back­yard.
  4. Get post­hole dig­ger.
  5. Remove cat.
  6. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  7. Gut cat.
  8. Fill cav­i­ty with black pow­der.
  9. Light cat’s tail.
  10. Throw at near­est gov­ern­men­tal build­ing.

Corol­lary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair into your apartment/cave.*

*does not work well.