I am in one of those stages where I think it is the height of arrogance to be always thinking through myself and blogging about things I think or the way I think I think things. Yet I’m still doing it because maybe perhaps I will actually figure out something new. Coming in to work today as I passed the steel mill, it’s heat bleed stack was afire and the sky was the color of a fresh bruise, disturbingly pretty.
I think it is foolish of me to think of myself as a writer, poet or artist of any sort because I produce relatively nothing. Even something like thinker is inappropriate. I already don’t like labels because they limit more than specify but mapping my way through the morass of myself requires at least some sort of directional guide.
I don’t think I am a creator or creative. At least not in the sense of most people who make or create things, be it poetry, painting, photography. I don’t think I have the spark for producing new and wonderful things. I think that I am more of a discoverer than a creator. A finder. So when I write something or take a picture of something, for me it is an act of discovery more than creation. I suppose this blog is a path to discovery. This encompasses both self-discovery and regular worldly discovery. I have said that I am interested in all the things that people are interested in. But I am also interested in how I resolve my self in reference to interests and people and myself. This is quite convoluted.
What I am saying is that I do my best at discovery and not creation. I need a task to complete and I enjoy the process of completion, but not the closure of completion. I’m not good at giving myself creative tasks, but I am good at tasks of discovery. By good I mean I have the requisite desire and ability to complete a task that will teach me something, but not the requisite imagination to come up with something to teach myself. What seems creative is how I go about discovering things. It is sort of a creativity by proxy. Something I do might appear creative merely as a byproduct of a discovering process. A poem about masculinity was the last thing I wrote, and it was assigned to me. I had to discover both what I thought of the term, how I think others think of the term, the difference between the two and how to say that in muscular poetic form. Sounds complicated, but that is how I go about discovery. And it is a better example of finding seams than I think I have tried to say before.
These discoveries are not specifically meant for others. Above all they are to assist me in understanding me and my place within this place.