BIG AZ Bubba Twins

There is a vend­ing ma­chine down­stairs, re­cent­ly in­stalled, that con­tains a va­ri­ety of dirt cheap re­frig­er­at­ed lunch prod­ucts. They all look com­plete­ly gross. So, since I’m the kind of guy who eats hot dog fla­vored pota­to chips just be­cause they’re there, I’ve de­ter­mined to eat one of each thing in that vend­ing ma­chine. Today I had BIG AZ Bubba Twins chili cheese dogs.
BIG AZ Bubba Twins are made by Pierre Foods in Cincinnati, Ohio. It ap­pears that sev­er­al of the items in the vend­ing ma­chine are made by Pierre Foods. If this is the case, it does not bode well for my tum tum.

For $2.05 you get 8.5 ounces of “food” in two rel­a­tive­ly hot dog shaped chunks. I hes­i­tate to call them food or even hot dogs be­cause they re­sem­ble noth­ing so much as two cho­les­terol logs wrapped in preser­v­a­tive. I find this some­what at odds with Pierre Food’s pro­mo­tion­al copy on this item.

Bubba Twins tips the scales with two FULL-SIZE sand­wich­es in one pack­age! Twin hot dogs are topped with zesty chili and shred­ded cheese.. Packaged in fun, col­or­ful pack­ag­ing and fea­tur­ing a Double Money Back Guarantee.

The Double Money Back guar­an­tee was my first clue to just how bad these dogs were go­ing to be. Yea, ver­i­ly, be­hold the wis­dom of Tommy Boy:

Tommy: Let’s think about this for a sec, Ted, why do they put a guar­an­tee on a box? Hmm, very in­ter­est­ing.
Ted: I’m lis­ten­ing.
Tommy: Here’s how I see it. A guy puts a guar­an­tee on the box ’cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty in­side.
Ted: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: ‘Course it does. Ya think if you leave that box un­der your pil­low at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quar­ter.
Ted: What’s your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn’t a crazy glue snif­fer? “Building mod­el air­planes” says the lit­tle fairy, but we’re not buy­ing it. Next thing you know, there’s mon­ey miss­ing off the dress­er and your daughter’s knocked up, I seen it a hun­dred times.
Ted: But why do they put a guar­an­tee on the box then?
Tommy: Because they know all they sol­da ya was a guar­an­teed piece of shit. That’s all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guar­an­teed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wan­na think about buy­ing a qual­i­ty item from me.

The next warn­ing sign was the ut­ter lack of any nu­tri­tion­al in­for­ma­tion on the pack­ag­ing, and up­on fur­ther re­conais­sance, the web­site. I can on­ly as­sume there is no nu­tri­tion­al in­for­ma­tion, be­cause there is no nu­tri­tion to be found in BIG AZ Bubba Twin Chili Cheese Dogs. It is now time to cite Good Omens:

CHOW™ con­tained spun, plait­ed, and wo­ven pro­tein mol­e­cules, capped and cod­ed, care­ful­ly de­signed to be ig­nored by even the most rav­en­ous di­ges­tive tract en­zymes; no-cal sweet­en­ers; min­er­al oils re­plac­ing veg­etable oils; fi­brous ma­te­ri­als, col­or­ings, and fla­vor­ings. The end re­sult was a food­stuff al­most in­dis­tin­guish­able from any oth­er ex­cept for two things. Firstly, the price, which was slight­ly high­er, and sec­ond­ly, the nu­tri­tion­al con­tent, which was rough­ly equiv­a­lent to that of a Sony Walkman. […] MEALS™ was CHOW™ with added sug­ar and fat. The the­o­ry was that if you ate enough MEALS™ you would a) get very fat, and b) die of mal­nu­tri­tion.

Another dis­turb­ing “mis­take” is the bro­ken large im­age of the BIG AZ Bubba Twins on the Pierre Foods site. Why don’t they want us to know more about their “food”?

To cook the dogs you nuke ‘em for 90 sec­onds. Fast food. After tak­ing them out of the mi­crowave I was sad­dened to see that the plas­tic tray they were sit­ting in [and were sup­posed to be mi­crowaved in] had par­tial­ly melt­ed in­to the dog. The aro­ma of the cooked item re­calls that of a gas sta­tion bath­room af­ter a large truck­er has just crapped out a day’s worth of free truck stop hot dogs. The con­sis­ten­cy of the chili dog was like eat­ing a rub­ber dog bone wrapped in a urine-soaked sponge. The first bite makes the gorge rise, and sub­se­quent bites take the con­sumer on a whirl­wind tour of gas­tro­nom­i­cal hate-crimes. One is re­mind­ed of the bomb­ing of Dresden as small chunks of chili fla­vored MSG drop in­to the stom­ach, the di­ges­tive gur­gling sound is rem­i­nis­cent of the Labyrinth’s Bog of Eternal Stench and its ef­fect on the breath re­calls the glo­ry days of Agent Orange. It is the sec­ond to worst hot dog I’ve ever had.

I am con­sid­er­ing call­ing up this Pierre fel­low to de­mand my $4.10 re­fund, if they want me to re­turn the un­used por­tion to them, I’ll just wait an­oth­er half hour or so un­til it comes out the oth­er end. I doubt they’ll be able to tell the dif­fer­ence.

14 thoughts on “BIG AZ Bubba Twins

  1. well, first you said $2.05 for a pack­age, then you said you thought you might ask for your $4.10 back. If it was $4.10 for just two pal­try processed prod­ucts, then you’re still a masochist be­cause that’s not dirt cheap.

  2. I lost a bet and had to each a pack­age of these hot not dogs too. I can tes­ti­fy with har­vey. It is hard to write this lit­tle be­cause of my con­stant marathon trips to the bath­room.

  3. is that you aaron? How have you been you
    idiot…learn how to write or ask some­one with
    at least a fifth grade ed­u­ca­tion…

  4. The on­ly re­deem­ing qual­i­ty of this prod­uct is the goofy name. It’s a good laugh but sad­ly it’s an at­tempt at a re­al ac­tu­al prod­uct, what a shame.

    The Big Az Poor Boy is an­oth­er one I bought just to show peo­ple that such a thing re­al­ly ex­ists.

    dou­b­ley­ou-tee-eff, Bubba Twins. Bubba Twins!

  5. We just got these in the vend­ing ma­chines where I work. They are “sup­posed” to be “healthy,” ac­cord­ing to HR. I have my sus­pi­cions.…..

  6. We have these in a lo­cal vend­ing ma­chine here on my work cam­pus, and I have to say, I’ve wres­tled with peo­ple over these things. They on­ly stock a few at a time and I’m al­ways grab­bing them up. I love these things lol

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