There is a vending machine downstairs, recently installed, that contains a variety of dirt cheap refrigerated lunch products. They all look completely gross. So, since I’m the kind of guy who eats hot dog flavored potato chips just because they’re there, I’ve determined to eat one of each thing in that vending machine. Today I had BIG AZ Bubba Twins chili cheese dogs.
BIG AZ Bubba Twins are made by Pierre Foods in Cincinnati, Ohio. It appears that several of the items in the vending machine are made by Pierre Foods. If this is the case, it does not bode well for my tum tum.
For $2.05 you get 8.5 ounces of “food” in two relatively hot dog shaped chunks. I hesitate to call them food or even hot dogs because they resemble nothing so much as two cholesterol logs wrapped in preservative. I find this somewhat at odds with Pierre Food’s promotional copy on this item.
Bubba Twins tips the scales with two FULL-SIZE sandwiches in one package! Twin hot dogs are topped with zesty chili and shredded cheese.. Packaged in fun, colorful packaging and featuring a Double Money Back Guarantee.
The Double Money Back guarantee was my first clue to just how bad these dogs were going to be. Yea, verily, behold the wisdom of Tommy Boy:
Tommy: Let’s think about this for a sec, Ted, why do they put a guarantee on a box? Hmm, very interesting.
Ted: I’m listening.
Tommy: Here’s how I see it. A guy puts a guarantee on the box ’cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Ted: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: ‘Course it does. Ya think if you leave that box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter.
Ted: What’s your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer? “Building model airplanes” says the little fairy, but we’re not buying it. Next thing you know, there’s money missing off the dresser and your daughter’s knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
Ted: But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?
Tommy: Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That’s all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.
The next warning sign was the utter lack of any nutritional information on the packaging, and upon further reconaissance, the website. I can only assume there is no nutritional information, because there is no nutrition to be found in BIG AZ Bubba Twin Chili Cheese Dogs. It is now time to cite Good Omens:
“CHOW™ contained spun, plaited, and woven protein molecules, capped and coded, carefully designed to be ignored by even the most ravenous digestive tract enzymes; no-cal sweeteners; mineral oils replacing vegetable oils; fibrous materials, colorings, and flavorings. The end result was a foodstuff almost indistinguishable from any other except for two things. Firstly, the price, which was slightly higher, and secondly, the nutritional content, which was roughly equivalent to that of a Sony Walkman. […] MEALS™ was CHOW™ with added sugar and fat. The theory was that if you ate enough MEALS™ you would a) get very fat, and b) die of malnutrition.
Another disturbing “mistake” is the broken large image of the BIG AZ Bubba Twins on the Pierre Foods site. Why don’t they want us to know more about their “food”?
To cook the dogs you nuke ‘em for 90 seconds. Fast food. After taking them out of the microwave I was saddened to see that the plastic tray they were sitting in [and were supposed to be microwaved in] had partially melted into the dog. The aroma of the cooked item recalls that of a gas station bathroom after a large trucker has just crapped out a day’s worth of free truck stop hot dogs. The consistency of the chili dog was like eating a rubber dog bone wrapped in a urine-soaked sponge. The first bite makes the gorge rise, and subsequent bites take the consumer on a whirlwind tour of gastronomical hate-crimes. One is reminded of the bombing of Dresden as small chunks of chili flavored MSG drop into the stomach, the digestive gurgling sound is reminiscent of the Labyrinth’s Bog of Eternal Stench and its effect on the breath recalls the glory days of Agent Orange. It is the second to worst hot dog I’ve ever had.
I am considering calling up this Pierre fellow to demand my $4.10 refund, if they want me to return the unused portion to them, I’ll just wait another half hour or so until it comes out the other end. I doubt they’ll be able to tell the difference.