Landshire Supreme Gourmet All Beef Hot Dog

Y’all thought I’d decided to stop eating crap from the vendy didn’t you? Well, you were wrong. Today I spent a whopping $1.50 on the worst hot dog I’ve ever had. Even worse than Big AZ Bubba Twins, and that is saying something. I’d another relatively inoffensive experience with Landshire products, and their record currently stands at 011.

I would like to go on the record saying that no item purchased from a vending machine can be legitimately called “gourmet.” Similarly, there is no such thing as a “gourmet” hot dog. The Landshire Supreme Gourmet All Beef Hot Dog was also two days past its expiration date. Much like the Bubba Twins, it has a money-​back guarantee, although only a full refund, not double the money back. The packaging encouraged me to visit the Landshire website, but much of it hasn’t been updated since 2002. This leads me to believe that most of their food must date from that time as well. This hot dog was 3.5 ounces and cooks in the microwave for approximately one minute, or however long it takes for the plastic wrapping to melt into the sesame seed bun. The bun itself was about as tough and leathery as a smoker’s lung and the beef in the hot dog probably came from a lockjawed guinea pig. I didn’t find any actual information on this item on the Landshire site, but I did find this picture of a man shoveling shit into his own mouth, which seemed appropriate for both their site and my behavior.

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The hot dog’s nutritional content wasn’t that bad, a mere 14g of fat and 560mg of sodium. I’m glad I had a bowl of Kashi this morning. I heartily recommend that none of you folks reading this attempt to ever eat anything out of a refrigerated vending machine.