Y’all thought I’d decided to stop eat­ing crap from the vendy didn’t you? Well, you were wrong. Today I spent a whop­ping $1.50 on the worst hot dog I’ve ever had. Even worse than Big AZ Bubba Twins, and that is say­ing some­thing. I’d another rel­a­tively inof­fen­sive expe­ri­ence with Land­shire prod­ucts, and their record cur­rently stands at 0−1−1.

I would like to go on the record say­ing that no item pur­chased from a vend­ing machine can be legit­i­mately called “gourmet.” Sim­i­larly, there is no such thing as a “gourmet” hot dog. The Land­shire Supreme Gourmet All Beef Hot Dog was also two days past its expi­ra­tion date. Much like the Bubba Twins, it has a money-​back guar­an­tee, although only a full refund, not dou­ble the money back. The pack­ag­ing encour­aged me to visit the Land­shire web­site, but much of it hasn’t been updated since 2002. This leads me to believe that most of their food must date from that time as well. This hot dog was 3.5 ounces and cooks in the microwave for approx­i­mately one minute, or how­ever long it takes for the plas­tic wrap­ping to melt into the sesame seed bun. The bun itself was about as tough and leath­ery as a smoker’s lung and the beef in the hot dog prob­a­bly came from a lock­jawed guinea pig. I didn’t find any actual infor­ma­tion on this item on the Land­shire site, but I did find this pic­ture of a man shov­el­ing shit into his own mouth, which seemed appro­pri­ate for both their site and my behavior.

The hot dog’s nutri­tional con­tent wasn’t that bad, a mere 14g of fat and 560mg of sodium. I’m glad I had a bowl of Kashi this morn­ing. I heartily rec­om­mend that none of you folks read­ing this attempt to ever eat any­thing out of a refrig­er­ated vend­ing machine.