You’re never going to believe this, but last night I matched with a witch on Hinge and she invited me over for spaghetti and meatballs. Turns out she was actually trying to find someone to set up with her other witch friend. I made a joke about having seen this movie before, but went over anyway because free food. It was Ostara, so I expected them to have some sort of witchy happenings. I wasn’t wrong.
I get there and the gal I’m supposed to meet is dressed like she’s from The Craft (1996) except she’s in her mid-30s and has Karen hair. She basically starts rubbing up against me and talking about getting laid as soon as I walk through the door. Parasite is on the TV and Karen-witch is making sing-song chatter mocking the actors.
There’s a prominently displayed box of condoms and the two witches are talking about their Aphrodite water and opening their sex chakras & wondering what my natal chart is and how it aligns to Karen-witch’s sexual compatibility. I made conversation with both of them, but Karen-witch got poutier and flouncier over the course of the 3 hours I was there because apparently I was only supposed to pay attention to her. She kept bending over to show me she wasn’t wearing underwear and almost falling out of her shirt.
They kept making fun of this other guy who was going to come over talking about how he was hot and nice but really dumb. He rolls up, and has a great beard. I had mentioned earlier how dudes with good beards are in a club together and appreciate each other. He compliments my beard. Turns out he has a kid that’s 11 and we talk about dad stuff and bond a little. The witches were not happy with this.
Since Karen-witch was not getting any attention from me she checked out and pouted by herself in a corner. I left because I hadn’t gone there to get laid in the first place. I was hoping for a nice evening of social human contact but apparently I was only there to be a sex toy.
I’m glad I got to talk with the other dad.
The spaghetti and meatballs were really good.