Dear Pent­house:

You’re nev­er going to believe this, but last night I matched with a witch on Hinge and she invit­ed me over for spaghet­ti and meat­balls. Turns out she was actu­al­ly try­ing to find some­one to set up with her oth­er witch friend. I made a joke about hav­ing seen this movie before, but went over any­way because free food. It was Ostara, so I expect­ed them to have some sort of witchy hap­pen­ings. I was­n’t wrong.

I get there and the gal I’m sup­posed to meet is dressed like she’s from The Craft (1996) except she’s in her mid-30s and has Karen hair. She basi­cal­ly starts rub­bing up against me and talk­ing about get­ting laid as soon as I walk through the door. Par­a­site is on the TV and Karen-witch is mak­ing sing-song chat­ter mock­ing the actors.

There’s a promi­nent­ly dis­played box of con­doms and the two witch­es are talk­ing about their Aphrodite water and open­ing their sex chakras & won­der­ing what my natal chart is and how it aligns to Karen-witch’s sex­u­al com­pat­i­bil­i­ty. I made con­ver­sa­tion with both of them, but Karen-witch got pouti­er and flounci­er over the course of the 3 hours I was there because appar­ent­ly I was only sup­posed to pay atten­tion to her. She kept bend­ing over to show me she was­n’t wear­ing under­wear and almost falling out of her shirt.

They kept mak­ing fun of this oth­er guy who was going to come over talk­ing about how he was hot and nice but real­ly dumb. He rolls up, and has a great beard. I had men­tioned ear­li­er how dudes with good beards are in a club togeth­er and appre­ci­ate each oth­er. He com­pli­ments my beard. Turns out he has a kid that’s 11 and we talk about dad stuff and bond a lit­tle. The witch­es were not hap­py with this.

Since Karen-witch was not get­ting any atten­tion from me she checked out and pout­ed by her­self in a cor­ner. I left because I had­n’t gone there to get laid in the first place. I was hop­ing for a nice evening of social human con­tact but appar­ent­ly I was only there to be a sex toy.

I’m glad I got to talk with the oth­er dad. 

The spaghet­ti and meat­balls were real­ly good.